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Children Healing Through Horses
October 19, 2006, Calgary Herald Supplement.
The YWCA Equine Therapy Camps were conducted in partnership with the Healing Hooves Equine Facilitated Counselling Program.
Making friends at school has not been easy for Kyle. His often aggressive behaviour-pushing, shoving and grabbing things from other kids-often leads him to time outs and further alienation from other children. "If someone hurts you, you hurt them back," he once told a counsellor. Not an uncommon response for an 8-year old boy who has grown up watching his father repeatedly beat his mom.
Despite this rigid stance, the young boy showed amazing tenderness with a horse named Lou, during a week-long Equine Therapy Camp this past summer. "Horses are chosen for this type of counseling because they are amazingly gentle and social animals," says Liz Leroux, Manager of Child & Family Services. "The horses mirror the body language of those around them and have the ability to react immediately to the signals a child may not be aware they are sending."
For example, if a child exhibits aggressive behaviour, the horse might shy away, leaving the child to figure how best to interact with the large animal to get the response he needs. Most of the children quickly learn that by taking responsibility for and changing their own behaviour and providing clear direction to the horse in a calm and respectful manner, the horse will respond to them more positively.
Within just a week, counsellors observed positive changes in the children. They felt accepted by the horses, a significant accomplishment given that they so often feel rejected by those around them who have no framework for their feelings of sadness and anger. They also felt accepted by their peers as together the group worked through the difficult issues of witnessing domestic violence. An additional benefit of the camp was an increase in confidence for many of the children as they conquered initial fears of interacting with such large animals. This increased confidence helped the children to speak openly about their feelings and thoughts.
"Research shows that even children exhibiting severe anti-social and aggressive behaviour become calmer and more communicative through this experience," adds Leroux. "An equine counseling experience can certainly help these children function better in school and at home."
Witnessing Abuse Devastating to Children
October 19, 2006, Calgary Herald Supplement
Children who live in homes with domestic violence not only witness their father physically assault their mother, they may get caught in the crossfire and inadvertently or intentionally injured. They could be taken hostage by the abuser to further control the mother. They may have to run for help, call police or an ambulance, try to comfort an injured mom or be sent to a shelter. Some kids watch as their dad is taken away by police.
It's estimated that in any classroom in Canada, as many as three to five children have witnessed violence in the home. In Calgary in 2005, the police responded to more than 11,000 domestic abuse related calls. Nearly half the time, 42%, children were in the home when they got there.
Liz Leroux, Manager of Child & Family Services for the YWCA of Calgary, says the research is clear: "Witnessing domestic violence can have devastating effects on a child's psychological, social and behavioral development, sometimes with lasting consequences well into adulthood."
The vast majority of women who go to emergency shelters have children under the age of nine. "The younger the child, the greater the risk to their critical development stages," Leroux says, referring to the work of Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned researcher in the field of children's trauma. "Perry's findings suggest that when an infant suffers continuous exposure to violence in the home, it can actually alter the development of their central nervous system and their brains, leading to devastating effects on their ability to cope with life's challenges."
Children who are exposed to domestic violence are robbed of their childhoods and learn to see their world as unpredictable, threatening and hostile. They experience a broad range of responses to the violence including; post traumatic stress disorder, sleep disorders, separation anxiety, increased levels of irritability, developmental delays, excessive screaming, aggression or withdrawal. In the classroom, children struggle academically, often reacting impulsively and demonstrating an inability to concentrate.
Pre-schoolers tend to relate most events in their lives to themselves and as a result they can often feel responsible for their mother's abuse. "If I would have been a good boy, daddy wouldn't have hurt mommy" is a common thought amongst these little kids. Domestic violence can cause preschoolers to regress developmentally and suffer nightmares, insomnia, bed-wetting and excessive clinging.
Kids who witness domestic violence can be further damaged by their mom's parenting. "The research reflects that despite her strong desire and instinct to protect and nurture her children, an abused woman can find her parenting ability profoundly affected by the traumatic effects of her own abuse," says Leroux.
Boys who witness domestic violence in the home are three times more likely to become abusive adults. Studies indicate there is also a significant overlap between a child witnessing violence and the child being physically abused; child abuse is 15 times more likely to occur in families that are plagued with domestic violence.
Often children who have lived with domestic violence have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings. Part of the problem is their parents have not modeled a range of emotions; fear and anger may be very prominent but other emotions are not. The child's feelings are often dependent on the feelings of the adults; if dad is angry the child is anxious. If mom is happy the child is happy.
The YWCA offers programs to help children overcome the devastation of domestic violence. "Play therapy" encourages children to express their feelings and work through the trauma. Trained counselors start the children talking about the more distant - what they saw in a video or heard in a story - and move to the personal – their own experiences.
Another aspect of play therapy is simply getting the parents and children to play together, Play – more than any other activity – fuels healthy development in children. When parents play with their kids, they can help their children express their feelings, make decisions and solve problems. They also get a deeper understanding of their child and learn to see the world through their eyes, thus strengthening the bond between them. The guiding principles at work are: play is very important in child development and parents are the most significant adults in children's lives and education and skill development are effective in resolving conflicts.
Positive Parenting programs help create positive interactions between parents and their children, communication increases, and coping and problem solving skills are developed. And, when the relationship between parent and child is enhanced, the likelihood of a child developing emotional or behavioral difficulties is reduced.
The YWCA strives to build positive relationships with children in crisis and their families - helping to identify the root of negative responses and build on the child's strengths. We encourage families to grow and heal together and to strive for better communication, parenting and problem solving when dealing with crisis and conflict.
Women forced to stay in abusive relationships
October 19, 2006, Calgary Herald Supplement
She wants to leave her abusive husband. But she reads the papers and she knows the vacancy rate. She knows she can't pay the incredibly high prices of the few places that are available. She's scared. She's got nowhere to go. So she stays.
The lack of affordable housing in Calgary can dramatically reduce the options for women trying to leave an abusive spouse. "Many women feel trapped to stay in the abusive relationship or face extreme poverty and homelessness," says Carolyn Goard, Director of Integrated Services, YWCA of Calgary. "Establishing a new life away from the family home, requires women to find adequate housing and financial support for her and her children. Women are often forced into sub-standard or unsafe living with few supports if they do not have the financial support-especially if there are mental health issues, addictions or language and cultural barriers."
A National Shelter Study, released by YWCA Canada in August 2006, indicates that homeless women are often former shelter residents who failed to find adequate or safe housing. Quite often, women go back to the abusive partner in order to sustain themselves and their children.
A woman fleeing abuse has housing needs that are different than the norm. There are emotional and practical considerations: she may not have a bank account or a credit history or fixed addresses to even get one. She may not be able to raise the money for a security deposit, usually double the rent in the first month. She may not have a job or know where to start to go about finding one. And most likely, there are kids to consider; school, school supplies, and child care. She has to deal with all that, plus she needs to be able to afford the housing, a huge barrier in itself. And for most women, the housing must be safe and secure from the one she was fleeing in the first place.
That can be almost impossible to find in Calgary. Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation guidelines say a household should not spend more than 30 percent of gross income on shelter costs. If you spend more than a third on housing, you won't have enough money left for other necessities, like food for your children.
Teresa McDowell-Hood, a resident counsellor for the YWCA Mary Dover House, a transitional residence for women and children in crisis, knows all too well the high prices her clients face when they try to become self-sufficient. "We work with our clients on so many levels to help them reach their personal level of independence only to have them wait for 6 months to a year for affordable housing." She adds, "Current rents are way beyond their means, especially if they rely on government assistance. A single woman who is physically able to work is getting $402 a month on Income Support and we're hearing that the cheapest rent out there right now is a basement suite for $650 per month."
The lack of affordable housing may be reaching crisis proportions in Calgary. The most recent Count of Homeless Persons on May 10th of this year enumerated 3,436 people who are homeless. This helped renew calls for increased funding for affordable housing. Both the City and the United Way of Calgary have called for more money from the province to address the growing problem of lack of affordable housing in Calgary. For its part, the City of Calgary - which runs a number of affordable housing units - is working toward creating more.
While there is less affordable housing available, there is more domestic violence in the city. In fact, Calgary now has the second highest rate of domestic violence compared to other major cities in Canada (Calgary Police Service 2005 Annual Statistical Report). Domestic related calls to the police were up by 500 in 2005; most of the victims were women between the ages of 18 and 34.
Again, these are the women who call and report abuse, which is only a fraction of the total amount of women who suffer through domestic violence. For those who do report the violence, it's still very difficult for them to decide to leave the abusive relationship. "Usually a time comes when her family's safety is at risk" says Gary Gibbens, Manager of Adult Counselling at the YWCA Sheriff King Home.
"It's not a cliché. Sometimes they come with just the clothes on their backs in the middle of the night," Gibbens says. The staff gets them settled in a room, calm them down and address any immediate health, medical or emotional needs."
But Gibbens says that's just the first step: "With the housing situation the way it is in Calgary, she has to think about how she's going to pay the bills and take care of her children with only one income, or worse - no income other than government support."
Every year, the YWCA helps over 40,000 people - men, women and children - who are affected by domestic violence. Domestic Violence affects families of all races and incomes. It's not about anger; it's about power and control in the relationship. Physical violence - kicking, punching, slapping, grabbing, strangling - as well as forced sexual activity and rape are common. But the abuse may also include threats to hurt children or pets; it may be shifting blame, controlling finances, intimidation or isolation.
When women think about leaving the abusive relationship they worry the violence could escalate, they worry their children could be taken away, they're embarrassed and ashamed, they have no financial stability and they worry there's nowhere for them to live.
Inside an Emergency Shelter
October 19, 2006, Calgary Herald Supplement
Just past the main shopping strip in Inglewood, stands the YWCA Sheriff King Home, a 37-bed emergency women's shelter. The building is lovely from the outside and is clearly identified. They don't hide the fact that they're there, but don't let that fool you. To get in, you must use a security buzzer, where 24-hour staff can watch you from a television monitor, and if you're buzzed in, you will go through a double set of doors to get to reception. The shelter side of the building is locked behind yet another set of double doors. If you have no official business there, you won't get in. Especially if you are male. The windows are bullet proof and very secure. They have to be. A few years ago, a disgruntled partner, who believed the spouse he used to beat was there, drove his car through the front doors.
Women who go to an emergency shelter fear for their lives as evident by their responses to a Danger Assessment Survey they complete before and after they enter a shelter. At the YWCA Sheriff King Home, 85% of the women were assessed at being in "extreme danger" of lethality. In other words, they had a risk of being murdered by their partners. And once they leave or threaten to leave, we know that reality is seven times more likely. Women who've been to a shelter generally have one thought in common: they felt safe for the first time in their lives.
YWCA Canada released Phase II of a national shelter study earlier this year that tracked 368 abused women as they entered and left emergency shelters in ten Canadian locations (9 YWCA locations). Much of the data came from Alberta, primarily the YWCA Sheriff King Home here in Calgary.
Most of the women had children under the age of 18 who accompanied them to the shelter and had few supportive resources. In fact, 70% were on social assistance or had no income at all. More than one-third of their partners were unemployed.
The study revealed: "For 61% of the women, the violence had increased during the past year, another 65% had been stalked, almost half of the abusers had tried to choke them, forced sex on them or threatened to kill them. A little more than a one-quarter of the women had been beaten while pregnant and forty percent of the abusers had used a weapon or threatened to use a weapon on them."
Do shelters work? Robyn Hommel, a former client of the YWCA Sheriff King Home, says, "Definitely." But it wasn't until she realized her children could be in danger that she sought help. "I may not have cared about myself that much, but I will fight for my children." Robyn says her mother bear instinct kicked in and she finally took her kids to the shelter. She had no idea what to expect, but she was ready to listen. It's the same advice she gives other women today. Robyn is quick to credit the YWCA with saving her life, but counsellors would say something much more humble.
"It's not about what we do," says Susan Plesuk, Manager of Housing and Outreach Counselling. "It's about helping women reconnect with themselves. Helping them tap into their own strength."
Whatever the combination, it seems to be working. "The YWCA saves lives and they certainly saved mine and my children."
People Ask Why She Doesn't Leave. But Few Ask Why He Doesn't Stop Abusing.
October 19, 2006, Calgary Herald Supplement
He doesn't look like a monster. He's a big man; stocky but not tall. He's soft spoken and articulate. He sits at a table and calmly, thoughtfully answers the series of questions. You can tell he's thinking carefully about what he's going to say before he starts talking; it's important that he get his words just right. His big hands lay folded on the table in front of him. They're expressive; he waves them around when he's making a point.
Those big hands used to cause a lot of damage. This man used to abuse his partner. She went for help and as part of his probation, he was ordered to attend the YWCA Men's Program; 18 weeks of group therapy with other men who have caused domestic violence. He's one of nearly 1000 men a year who take part in the program. Most of them are between the ages of 25 and 55. Some come in on their own, but the vast majority of participants are sent for therapy by the legal system.
"There's an entire cross section; from the guy who is a construction labourer to the guy who is a lawyer or a doctor," he says. "There's a range of people." And, like most of the others, he didn't want to be there. He didn't want to talk about the effects of 'abuse,' about 'responsibility.' It was her fault he hit her, not his. He was the victim. After all, there is a right way and a wrong way to do things; she went off the rails and he had to use violence to regain control of the family.
Watching other men with the same attitude helped him change his. "Sometimes you could literally feel the anger coming off some of the guys that were there. You could just feel it, not wanting to admit that there was any problem." One day something clicked for him: "Midway through, my head accepted there was responsibility on my part for the abuse that happened in my household."
Then it all changed. He started to understand that there were thoughts and values that came into play when he reacted violently. He was given what he calls "a group of tools" to help him see what was really going on when something would set him off. He learned he could regulate his actions and choices. He realized violence was a strategy he had learned over the years, but that it wasn't working.
He grew up picking fights at the bar on Friday night because that's what the boys did. "As men, when someone disagrees with us, we raise our hackles and get into fight mode," he says of his old reactions. "But that doesn't have to happen."
"The way I look at it, a reaction is just knee jerk thing. It's what happens right away without any thought; it's almost automatic. But I can slow that down now and take a look at all these underlying issues before I move on" he explains.
"It works," he says. He's still with his partner. She stayed because he accepted responsibility for the domestic violence and is taking steps to change his behavior.
It's hard work. "Even though you strive to become better, sometimes the old habits kick in underneath and that can slow you down a bit." He takes ten minutes every day to pause and reflect which helps him stay centered. He just keeps working on getting better, on moving forward.
He sees his progress reflected on the faces of his children. "They're not nervous that something's going to blow up. They're not walking on eggshells anymore. We can enjoy ourselves without having to be wary or cautious that something may happen."
He remembers his house as a boy: "It was OK to blow up and just go at each other and that is what I grew up with so I kind of just accepted it." But he's adamant he wants a different kind of house for his children. "Looking at my kids is where it really hit home. I had to ask myself do I want them to become like this? And the answer is absolutely no. Therefore, I have to step up to the plate to stop it."
No Vacancy: YWCA Offers Alternative to the Street
October 19, 2006, Calgary Herald Supplement
I am not struggling to find a place to live in Calgary. I've lived in the same neighborhood since I moved here 11 years ago and we just paid off our house. We live in a great inner city neighborhood with fabulous neighbors and lots of children and dogs.
I also don't struggle to put food on the table. If I ever experience hunger, it's because I got too busy at work and didn't get a chance to have my third snack after lunch. I don't know what it's like to choose rent money over food. My kids' meals over my own.
If you're like many Calgarians, you've heard all about the Housing Crisis-from the comfort of your own home. And while you probably do care about the many low-income families who can't afford a proper place to live, the problem is too big and far too daunting to imagine being able to help.
There are as many as 1750 - 2000 people on a waiting list through the Calgary Housing Company, a City-run operation that manages about 7300 affordable or subsidized housing units. The City of Calgary defines affordable housing as adequate housing for low-income families at costs below the general market. This includes emergency shelters, transitional housing, and social or subsidized housing as well as formal and informal rental.
Affordable, in this sense, is likely not the same definition as yours or mine. It's what separates the home from the homeless. It's what someone might be able to afford on less than $10.00 an hour (read: $19,200 per year) or on Income Support. It's the shelter a young mother takes her children in the middle of the night after a particularly violent episode. Or the church basements they move between, night after night.
The number of homeless people in Calgary-including women in emergency and transitional housing-is up by 32% compared to two years ago. And this figure is underestimated because of the countless "concealed homeless" populations, who sleep on a friend's couch or in family member's basement.
But for many women and children-fleeing domestic violence and the threat of poverty or women suffering addictions or mental health issues-housing is only part of the solution. At the YWCA Mary Dover House, a 96-bed transitional residence for women and children in crisis, most of the women require a continuation of service after they leave for the very reasons that brought them to Mary Dover House in the first place.
The YWCA Mary Dover House is located within the YWCA's downtown office on the corner of 5th Avenue SE and Macleod Trail. You've probably seen the signs for the YWCA Fitness on 5th facility many times heading out of town. But perhaps you were not aware of the bigger picture the YWCA represents? There are three secure floors of dorm-style rooms on floors 4, 5 and 6. Secure, meaning you have to have a security card to get access and men are absolutely forbidden. The average stay is 6 months but women are staying longer due to the housing crisis and some come back for support. In the case of domestic violence, until a woman is self-sufficient enough-a stable income, stable childcare and supports-she is much more likely to return to the abusing spouse when things get grim. Addictions, mental illness, sexual abuse, single parenting, financial instability, language and culture, substandard housing-are just a few of the barriers our clients face.
Room rates for Mary Dover House clients are based on what they are able to pay. All other services and programs are at no cost to them. Because many are on Income Support at $402 per month, the YWCA continually tries to supplement their meals with food donations, trips to the Food Bank or food vouchers. The women each have mini fridges and microwaves in their rooms and share several common living rooms with kitchen and television sets. One large community kitchen is on the 4th floor where women can meet to cook group meals. The 4th floor also houses a part-time nurse, funded through the Victoria Order of Nurses, a food pantry, shared laundry facility and a donations room where they can pick from donated clothes, shoes, and small houseware items. There's a new children's playroom stocked with new toys and a resource area, a computer, and several resident counselling offices. On this day, the house is full. 90 women and 6 small children call Mary Dover House their home.
Some women call ahead to book a room; they were most likely referred to Mary Dover House through another community agency or there's word on the street that you can get help here. Sometimes, they come straight from the emergency shelter, the hospital or police station. Still others come by cab with three kids in tow and little English. You can't be drinking or using or bringing men up to your room-or you're out. This is a place to learn new life skills. To get connected to other resources like Legal Aid, housing, job supports, AADAC, the Food Bank, a church group or a supportive network. It's a big part of what the counselors do-connecting women to critical resources-so important to accomplishing positive steps in their lives.
"I had nowhere to go. And no money. I didn't know where to go, I felt ashamed, I wasn't sure if it was just me and my head. I had two kids. I didn't want to break up the family but it got to the point where the atmosphere was so terrible that I just knew I had to go. For me the YWCA was not just housing, it is a home. While I was there I felt motivated to get my life on track even though it was tough to be alone with my 2 children."
Would a $100 help? Would a monthly contribution really make a difference? If you want to know exactly what your $100 will get, it wouldn't sound like much. No, it's not going to solve the affordable housing problem today. And it's not going to eradicate domestic violence. You're right. But your hundred dollars together with someone' else's hundred dollars and someone else's hundred dollars, and so on and so on, will feed a young mother and her two children above for many nights. It will ensure she has a place to live for a while. It will give her time to step out of crisis mode and start planning her future. But it all happens with the YWCA's support. And your support to us. Tomorrow, she will wake up and thank you.
The Price of a Young Girl's Life
October 19, 2006, Calgary Herald Supplement
Tucked in a corner on the 4th floor of Mary Dover House, is an unassuming single beige door that opens to a large and vibrant open space called YWCA Safe Haven. The first thing you notice is a green leather sectional sofa, a row of flat screen computer screens and a large Sony television. Down each hallway are single bedrooms with coordinating bedspreads, brightly painted walls, and a shared bathroom. A teddy bear hangs in a bright nylon bag at the entrance of each room. A large bulletin board displays handwritten, hopeful messages among the bins of markers, ribbons, and colorful paper in the dining room. It's a place you can imagine a family gathering to decorate freshly baked cookies or to make an evening supper. In fact, a family does live here: seven girls between the ages of 14 and 17, and a resident counsellor who alternates with two other staff.
A counsellor is with the girls day and night-accept the young girls are expected to be doing something during the day, like attending classes, volunteer work, or counselling sessions-or otherwise, not just hanging around inside. They have a curfew and are not allowed to associate with the older clients down the hall. They come from the street and are either involved in or at risk of sexual exploitation. The girls pay nothing to stay here-yet to operate this space is expensive. But what price a young girl's life?
Both YWCA Mary Dover House and Safe Haven struggle with limited funding and limited resources to keep going. There's the general maintenance of the building, overhead costs such as electricity, water, heating & air conditioning, water, trash pick-up, housekeeping--not to mention the daily costs of counselling, food, bed linens, towels, classes, emergency transportation, personal hygiene and health products. And the list goes on and on.
"YWCA Mary Dover House plays a pivotal role in the community in providing transitional social housing," says Arlene Adamson, Director of Fund Development. "We are not interested in warehousing women and their families. The clients we serve need to have supports that address long term solutions, including stable housing, counselling, skills-development, and jus meeting basic needs to ensure future employability and stability."
"We work with a variety of funders-both municipally, federally and provincially. However, the bulk of the funds are specifically for emergency shelter where the province provides what we call "core" funding," Adamson continues. "The operative word here is emergency shelter, meaning a 21-day high risk facility."
Government funding typically covers core funding only-such as the building, basic food, basic counselling, water, electricity-at about 70% of our total costs. This means that at least 30% of our costs to run the shelter need to come from the rest of the community-from individual donations, corporate contributions, and fund-raising events. All are necessary to bridge the gap."
The story is even bleaker for our transitional housing. The YWCA does not receive core funding to operate the 96-bed housing facility-a facility that houses the overflow from emergency shelters, vulnerable women and young women living in poverty, transition and crisis. Without core funding, it's difficult to plan or offer continuity of service-when there is no guarantee that money will be there. "We are extremely limited in being able to deliver social housing and outreach support in our city-unless we receive core support," says Adamson.
To Calgarians, as individuals, this means more responsibility on our own shoulders or no service to this vulnerable population. Neither option is reasonable considering the growing city and the growing issues of homelessness.
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