A candid conversation with Gary Gibbens, Manager, Adult Counselling, YWCA Sheriff King Home.

• How does an abused woman make the decision to go to a shelter?
• Do you have woman show up at your door with their children or do they call first?
• What do they bring with them to the shelter?
• What are the children feeling when they arrive at the shelter?
• What happens when they first arrive at the shelter?
• How long can women stay at the shelter?
• What happens on Day 22?

How does an abused woman make the decision to go to a shelter?
Well every situation is unique, but there are several factors that might influence that decision. I have to start by saying it’s an extremely difficult decision to make. In fact, going to a shelter is often a woman’s last choice, but perhaps they have exhausted all their other resources, such as family and friends. If they want to leave the relationship permanently, generally, they risk leaving the “middle class” for good. Just like that. With the housing rate the way it is in Calgary right now—and the lack of affordable housing—she has to think about how she is going to pay the bills, take care of her children with only one income, or worse—no income.

She might be making what we term a “Loss of Hope” decision. In other words, she may feel she has hit rock bottom and has lost all hope that he will ever change. Or he has threatened to kill or hurt her or himself—or the children. Keep in mind that most women will still have an emotional bond with their abusive partner. He may have promised to change his behaviour, or to get counselling, or stop drinking. This “honeymoon period” often follows an especially violent or abusive act. And she finally doesn’t believe anymore. He may very well be genuinely remorseful or he may be further trying to manipulate her.

I will add that sometimes the children have come to mom and told her that dad has been threatening or hurting them. Maybe they have alluded to this several times but she has not been willing to let herself believe it. She might finally be convinced and wants to protect her children from further harm.

Do you have women show up at your door with their children or do they call first?
We see both scenarios. Often women have been referred to us by other agencies or a hospital or the police investigating a case. Sometimes, they do just show up at our door. The YWCA has a 24-hour crisis line, so in many cases, we have been having regular contact with them over the past week.

What do they bring with them to the shelter?
Generally women will bring extra clothes for the kids, some special items for the kids. And maybe a change of clothes for herself. Perhaps they just got off a plane from Ontario and brought as much as they could. And it’s not just a cliché—sometimes they come with just the clothes on their backs in the middle of the night. That’s why donations are so important—because for many, they are starting over with nothing. Each child can go into our Toy Closet and pick our their very own new toy—and they can take it with them when they leave. The women can pick out clothes and personal items.

What are the children feeling when they arrive at a shelter?
It’s very important to stress that going to a shelter is no guarantee that the abusive relationship will end. Many women return to the relationship time and time again. So this could very well be their second or third time here.

Having said that, children usually arrive at the shelter quite worried and anxious. They might be depressed and just sit quietly or they might act out, running all over the place. It really depends on the type of abuse they’ve been exposed to, their age and experiences.

What happens when they first arrive at the shelter?
When we do the initial intake, we will ask a few preliminary questions, but our main focus is to provide the essentials—food, shelter and safety. And, we get the family settled into their room and take care of any immediate health or medical concerns. In the shelter we focus on basic trauma work—we need to help them move out of the immediate crisis. We do not do long-term treatment in the shelter because the more extensive trauma work often opens the wounds too much when she is in extreme crisis.

How long can women stay at the shelter?
We have a 21-day maximum stay at the shelter, during which time we help them make plans and decisions about their next steps.

What happens on Day 22?
It’s really about what happens on Day 1 or Day 6 or 7. As I mentioned, on the first day, we focus on meeting the essential needs, such as food, shelter and safety. So we ask the basic questions: Do you need something to eat right away? Do you have any family or close friends to support you in this decision? Have you notified your employer and are they supportive? Have you contacted the children’s school? By Day 2, we begin focusing on Safety Planning for the whole family. And by Day 6 or 7, we focus on the more instrumental needs, such as “What will you do now?”

It’s important to note that we do not just rescue women and their families. We do not do the work for our clients, and we do not make decisions and choices for them. We help empower women to be in charge of their own lives.

We are certainly supportive, but it’s imperative that we move them toward making their own choices. That is the only way they can stop being the victim and start focusing on healing and making positive choices.

By Day 21, they have a better understanding of what domestic violence is and how to ensure their own safety through a comprehensive Safety Plan. We also connect women to other resources appropriate for their situation, both within our organization and other agencies in the community. For example, we might refer a woman going through visitation and custody issues to our Child Support Counsellor who specializes in legal outreach. The process of walking into a courtroom or a public place to share her story can be extremely difficult. We can accompany her and help her prioritize what she needs to say and encourage her to present a concise background of the abuse.

We can also refer clients to a second stage shelter where they can stay with their children for up to 6 months. Or, they can be referred to transitional housing, like the facility downtown, the YWCA Mary Dover House. Some families have family or friends to stay with—and have made plans for this during their stay in the shelter.