The facts are grim: 1 in 4 Canadian women are victims of domestic violence. Women are seven times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner than by a stranger. In 2003, 78 people were killed by their spouses in Canada. Sixty-four were women. What’s even more disturbing is that children are believed to be in the home during 68% - 80% of spousal assaults.

In Canada, it is estimated that 3 - 5 children in every classroom witness violence in the home. Children exposed to domestic violence, in particular, experience a broad range of responses including, posttraumatic stress disorder, sleep disorders, separation anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal. A number of children suffer behavioral and emotional difficulties—depression, anxiety, anger, loneliness—and learn that violence is an appropriate response to conflict and has a place in family life. Boys, in particular, are three times more likely to become abusive adults. Recent studies also reveal that there is significant overlap between a child witnessing violence and the child being physically abused. Child abuse is 15 times more likely to occur in families plagued with domestic violence.

Witnessing domestic violence creates an unstable and hostile home life for children. While the severity of a child’s response to the violence varies, many children learn to live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and view their own world as unpredictable, threatening, and hostile. Witnessing domestic violence can rob children of their childhood, a time so critical in the development of confident, healthy young adults.

Issues of domestic violence are often underpinned by homelessness and poverty. Many women fear they will not be able to support their families or find sustainable employment if they leave the abusing spouse. These circumstances can be heightened if other barriers, such as language, culture, and addictions, exist.

Women make up the vast majority of the poor in Canada. 1 in 5 Canadian women live in poverty and 56% of single mother families are poor. Poverty makes it difficult for women, already suffering the devastating effects of abuse, to find and keep a well-paying job in order to provide for her children and build a healthy home environment. Leaving requires affordable and safe housing, childcare, and transportation, not to mention the essentials, such as food, clothing, health services and other needs. Leaving also requires a tremendous amount of courage, self-confidence and emotional support.

As a society, we have become increasingly aware of the negative impact witnessing domestic violence can have on children. The image we have in our minds might be of a distressed child listening to his parents argue from the safety of his bedroom. In reality, however, the picture is usually much more bleak. In addition to hearing or witnessing violence firsthand, a child can be caught in the crossfire and inadvertently injured, intentionally assaulted, pushed or kicked, or taken hostage by the abuser to further control the mother. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children’s protective services They may also be witness to the aftermath of violence, such as dealing with an injured mom, calling the police or running for help, or being relocated to a shelter. And some must witness their fathers being taken away by the police.

Once the mother has made a decision to go to a shelter, both she and the children are typically in a profound state of crisis. The YWCA of Calgary’s Risk Assessment Study reveals that 85% of the women who come to shelter are at extremely high risk. This means women fear for their safety and the safety of their children. While a necessary step, children might be confused and angry about leaving their friends, being uprooted from school, home and even their father.

Family is a big part of every child’s experience. However, many children have experienced significant stressors within the family environment. Children need an opportunity to tell their stories or play through their experiences in a supportive environment as a way of beginning the healing process. Children who have lived with family violence or other stressful circumstances often have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings. Part of the difficulty comes from a lack of modeling of a range of emotions by parents. Anger and fear may be very prominent in these homes, but other emotions are not. Often the feelings of the child are dependent upon how mom or dad is feeling: if dad is angry, the child is anxious; if mom is happy, the child is happy. These children lose touch with what is actually happening for them and remain focused on the feelings of those around them. Children may have learned not to discuss their experiences or emotions. They may have learned that it is not safe to express their thoughts or feelings - that it is better to be safe than sorry. Mistakes can be costly. Even when in a safe environment these children may have difficulty communicating and sharing their feelings.

If a child remains silent for an extended period of time their emotions may be expressed through a variety of behavioural difficulties or somatic complaints. Many children express their emotions through headaches, stomachaches, loss of appetite or other physical problems. Through the group experience the children are provided with a safe environment to discuss their experiences and explore their emotions.

Some children may struggle with identifying that abuse actually occurred or may not be aware of what abuse means. The YWCA gives children the opportunity to talk and play through their experiences of violence. We will always work from the more distant to the personal; that is, we will have the children talk or role-play about what they saw in a video or heard in a story and work towards talking about their own experiences.

The child-directed play approach used in this session emphasizes the parent-child relationship as a means of alleviating child and family difficulties. This method serves to enhance attachment relationships between parents and their children. Attachment to family is one of the protective factors that reduce the likelihood of a child developing serious emotional or behavioural difficulties. This approach focuses on several principles: (1) play is very important in child development; (2) parents are the most significant adults in children's lives; and (3) education and skill development are effective in resolving conflicts. The goal is to develop positive interactions between parents and their children and to increase communication, coping and problem solving skills for both the parent and the child.

Children need repetitive, consistent, predictable and nurturing experiences to achieve their potential in brain development. Play, more than any other activity, fuels healthy development for children. All learning - emotional, social, motor and cognitive - is accelerated and facilitated by repetition fuelled by the pleasure of play. Crucial to this process is the invested caring of an adult - someone who is able to pay attention, to engage and to play with the child. When parents spend time playing with their children, they can help the child to openly express feelings, allow the child to make decisions, and solve problems. Parents gain a deeper understanding of their child and learn to see the world through the eyes of their child.

Naomi Manuel, mother of 2-year-old Cole Harder, who was murdered by his abusive father in a murder suicide.

The abuser often feels his control of the relationship is threatened if the spouse makes a decision to leave. Many women report that the violence actually increased in severity or frequency after separation, putting her and her children at greater risk.

Visitation with children during a separation can be especially volatile, giving the abusive partner access the mother. Children are often used as “pawns” or as bargaining tools to further control and dominate the mother. Threats to abduct or not return the children as well as making false accusations against the mother are not uncommon forms of abuse through harassment and retaliatory legal actions. Despite the perception that mothers always win custody cases, studies indicate that abusive fathers are quite likely to seek sole custody. A genuine fear for her safety and the safety of her children can be so strong that some mothers would rather break a court order than send her child on a unsupervised visit with the abusive father.