Domestic Violence Against Women - Panel Discussion

NIRMALA: Introduction
Thank you. It’s honour to be here today to lead this discussion about the seriousness of domestic violence in our community. Alberta has the highest rate of domestic violence in Canada, and Calgary has the third highest rate compared to other major cities.

Domestic violence knows no race, colour or economic background. While intensified by anger, domestic violence is not so much about the anger as it is about power and control in the relationship. Physical violence—kicking, punching, slapping, grabbing, strangling —as well as forced sexual activity and rape, are common outcomes. Abuse can also include threats to harm children or pets, shifting blame, money control, intimation and isolations.

Many people ask why she doesn’t just leave. Few ask why he doesn’t just stop abusing.

But making a decision to leave is not an easy one. In fact, many women return to the abusing spouse with their children, even after seeking help. Among the reasons: fear of increased violence, fear of losing children through custody or welfare agencies, embarrassment and shame, lack of emotional support or lack of affordable housing and income. Without help, the abuse will likely increase or worsen.

For our panel discussion today, I’d to introduce Carolyn Goard, Director of Integrated Services for the YWCA of Calgary. Jan Reimer, Provincial Coordinator for the Alberta Association of Women’s Shelters. And finally “Sara’—a former client of the YWCA who suffered emotional, physical and sexual abuse at eh hands of her parents and later her husband –and is courageously here to share her story to help others.

SARA, I want to start with you. You were married for 23 years to a sexually and physically abusive husband. The sexual abuse was horrific. In fact, you had to go the emergency room on a number of occasions. Can you describe the abuse you experienced and what made you stay for so long?

I came from a childhood home with extreme sexual, physical and emotional abuse; therefore when this type of abuse continued in my marriage I considered it normal. I had learned to dissociate from pain and emotion as a child and therefore did not feel any pain during the injuries, and there was no emotional response as I was trained from a child to “Hear no Evil, See no Evil and Speak no Evil.”

Early in my marriage my husband had held a rifle to my head and told me that if I ever left him he would kill me. Combined with the threats that had been given to me as a child this too seemed a normal part of life and it was an accepted part of my core belief system.

The sexual abuse I suffered caused a perforated uterus and subsequent major surgery. I also suffered a flipped and twisted bowel that required major surgery and a loss of a major part of my upper colon.

CAROLYN, help us understand more about sexual abuse in a relationship. How much of a role does sexual abuse play in domestic violence?

Sexual abuse/intimate partner rape in the context of intimate relationships is not well understood. Those who sadly experience it typically don't recognize it as abuse nor do the helping professionals who provide services to abused women. It has taken the last 35 years since the first women's shelters opened their doors in Canada to raise general public consciousness about physical violence against women to the point where physical violence within an intimate relationship is defined now as a criminal act. The reality that "sexual violence occurs within intimate relationships and that it still remains a well guarded secret" needs to be understood within the context that sexual violence is not readily admitted to by either its victims, by those who bear silent witness to it, nor by those in the helping professions.

The World Health Organization in 2002 identified that in 48 population studies from around the world, less than 2% - 8% of respondents disclosed experience with sexual violence by anyone. The report views these estimates "as corresponding to an iceberg floating in water" with the tip of the iceberg the prevalence rates and the much larger base the reality of sexual violence experienced by women globally. Recent research focusing on battered women and women residing in women's shelters found that between 40% - 50% had experienced sexual assault by an intimate partner (Campbell & Soeken, 1999; Mcfarlane et al., 2005; Pence & Paymar, 1993).

• Often overlooked; police may not even ask when responding to an incident

• Early life experiences such as witnessing family violence, child physical abuse or child sexual abuse can substantially increase the risk of sexually abusive behaviours in adolescents and adults (Salter et al., 2003).
  
• 63% of adolescent sex offenders had witnessed family violence during childhood


• Early intervention with survivors of physical, sexual and emotional childhood abuse, may reduce the risk of adult sexual assault.


• Women who have been battered and raped by their partner experience more trauma symptoms and lower levels of coping compared with women who were battered only

SARA, did you ever try to get help or leave the relationship? What happened?

I tried to leave once in the early 80’s but my husband called the police and reported that I had stolen the car. When the police came to take a report he was drunk and he threatened to commit suicide. The police came to my parents to talk to me, and my parents were so devastated to have the police there, they told me to leave. The police also strongly suggested I go home and take care of my husband.

One year before I actually left, I had lunch with a friend who was telling me about an incident with her fiancée. She told me how they had been wrestling and he had hurt her by mistake. She told me he cried. I remember feeling very uncomfortable and later in the day the memories of sexual abuse caused my body to start twitching. I had to reach out for counseling and try and understand why my husband had not felt sorry for my injuries. That was the beginning of my rebirth and years of trauma therapy to understand abuse and its effects on my body mind and spirit.

Unfortunately the more help I sought, the more the abuse escalated. I was interrogated, my e-mail broken into, my locked jewelry cases broken into and I was followed when I went out with friends for coffee. My husband’s drug use escalated and he started getting involved with witchcraft. He tried to convince my sister to have me committed for mental illness and he told me I would not be allowed to keep my children if I continued on the path I was pursuing towards self knowledge.

CAROLYN, is this common? When a woman makes a decision to leave or to get help, the abuse can actually increase? Can you explain this?

Yes Nirmala, it is very common for abuse to escalate when women attempt to leave the relationship. Unfortunately it is exactly the reason why women's shelters remain an essential service. Understanding why one partner abuses another is complex. Fundamentally though it is about one human being trying to achieve/maintain control over another. When the abused partner begins to take back control of her life, this is a very scary time for the partner who has been controlling the relationship. Escalating levels of abuse are a response to try to keep his partner and the relationship under control - to keep her from leaving.

SARA, can you tell us about the final incident that led you to go to the shelter, in this case, the YWCA Sheriff King Home? And what happened once you got there?

One night about midnight my husband got very angry because I had taken my children to the Distress Centre to talk to a counselor about their dad’s addictions and behaviors. He got extremely angry and had us all in the living room for a meeting. He screamed and yelled about how all of his addictions were my fault and he threatened my son at one point with physical violence. It was at that point I knew we had to leave immediately. My son told his father if he didn’t calm down he was going to call the police. When my husband left for work at 6am I called the crisis line at the Distress Centre and was given the information that I needed to find a shelter. The children’ counselor at the DC called me and supported my decision and gave me the courage to make the call to YWCA Sheriff King. The shelter was full but they made arrangements with Social Services to house me overnight at a motel until there was space the next day. My sister helped us pack our belongings into her car and made sure we were safe at the shelter the next day.

The moment we arrived there was an overwhelming feeling of being perfectly safe for the first time in my life. The counselors were respectful and offered my family counseling and all the information I needed to get legal assistance and housing. They also offered me trauma counseling. It was called EMDR therapy and I was very lucky that they had a counselor trained and capable of doing this type of treatment. It saved my life. It was brutally hard work but with their support for me and my children I was able to find the strength to do what needed to be done.

JAN, what are the demographics of the women who go to shelters in Alberta?

• All socio-economic, classes, race, education

• This is a blight on our society that knows no boundaries


• We hide it well


• Astounded by the number of women who have disclosed to me


• Shelters have women from all backgrounds walk through their doors – they are there for all; however, largest percentage of women who come to shelter are those who have the least options and those who are at an elevated risk


• Specialized services are also needed - EXPLAIN 83% of women with disabilities will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (Stimpson and Best, 1991)


• Aboriginal women are 3 more likely to be victims of spousal violence


• Additionally, the violence experience by Aboriginal women is more serious and more life threatening, with greater numbers of Aboriginal women fearing for their lives. It is alarming to note that a 1989 Ontario study identifies that eight out of ten Aboriginal women have been abused. Elsewhere, Aboriginal women with status, between the ages of 25 and 44, are “five times more likely than other women of the same age to die as the result of violence.”


• Finally, women who are sexually exploited need specialized resources that simply aren’t available. Most of these women, who end up on the streets, do so as a way of escaping violence in the home.

SARA, did you share any of your abuse with any friends, family or co-workers? Weren’t there signs that would have tipped off your friends or at least the doctors when you went into emergency?

I did not share any information about the abuse with anyone other than my mother, father. Friends, co-workers, and anyone else I encountered assumed I had a wonderful marriage. I was very sociable and even managed to hide my severe anxiety disorder from everyone. My life was all about presenting a good front, and surviving.

At the time my injuries occurred, I lied to the hospital personnel to cover for my husband without really knowing why I was doing that. I just instinctively knew that you didn’t tell. No one questioned the stories or lack of information I was able to give. I do remember in private my husband referred to them as sexual accidents and was very proud of his sexual prowess. I smiled and agreed.

JAN is this unusual? Wouldn’t the sheer nature of Sara’s injuries send a red flag to medical staff in emergency room?

• One would hope so, but we aren’t there yet. Universal screening by medical professionals is NOT common place. Calgary now leads the province, however it is not a standard question and in some places there is significant resistance to asking.

• Reminded of how hospitals are also major workplaces, and recently three major homicides in Canada have been related to a hospital setting; Lianne White in Edmonton hospital in Kelowna; where the abuser came to the hospital and most recently the doctor who killed the nurse (co-workers).


• It is a workplace issue for them, it is an issue that relates to health and wellbeing and it is also a reporting issue when children are exposed to family violence


• And it is a health issue: Chronic health conditions – indicated by the WHO and Health Canada – chronic pain, migraine headaches, stomach ulcers, psychological stress and mental illness


• Partial estimated health costs of violence against women in Canada, in 1995 is $408,357,042

CAROLYN, are the women and children who come to the YWCA shelter in danger?

86% of women arriving at the door of the YWCA Sheriff King Home in 2004 reported being in danger of continued physical assault. 57% of these women reported being in high to extreme danger of being killed. I report these statistics with confidence because in 2003 we implemented a Danger Assessment tool with all women coming into our shelter to assess their own risk of being killed and to support their development of realistic safety plans. The Danger Assessment tool was developed over the last 20 years through a multi-site case control study that found that a combination of factors, rather than one single factor increases the likelihood of intimate partner homicide involving an abusive man who kills his female partner.

We need to remember that the number of women killed over the last 30 years in Canada has reduced by 50%. Scholars in the area of family violence suggest that it has been the development of shelters that has significantly contributed to this reduction. Shelters save lives because we who work in shelters understand the complexity of abuse and the risks associated with it. Those who do not understand or who want to minimize the reality of violence against women frequently challenge that shelters are "health spas for women". Nothing could be further from the truth.

TO CAROLYN: What if your shelter is full? Where would Sara have gone?

Sara in fact did call our 24/7crisis line only to find that we were full. With the support of social services we were able to support Sara and her children finding refuge in a motel over night until we had beds free at YWCA Sheriff King Home the next day.

We never turn women away, even when we are full. In fact in 2005 we operated 35 beds at 94% capacity. We are more often than not faced with providing women support in the community as they wait for space to free up in shelter.

Frequently when the YWCA Sheriff King Home is full, women and children stay temporarily in the YWCA Mary Dover House, our transitional shelter. We also work closely with the other 4 women's emergency shelters in the Calgary area to refer women when we are full. It is sometimes the case that women are at such high risk that they need to leave the Calgary area. In such instances we work with other women's shelters in the province and across Canada to ensure women and their children are supported to reach places of safety.

JAN, is this unique to Calgary or is this true for most shelters across Alberta?

Our emerging data capturing danger assessments completed by women’s shelter workers indicates that 78% of women believe the perpetrator is capable of killing her or has threatened to kill her. ACWS will continue to refine this data gathering process and will keep the ministry informed as to outcomes. It is clear from our data and that of national sources that shelters fulfill a critical role in keeping women and their dependants safe and indeed, in saving their lives.

Also, troubling across Alberta is that women are still reporting that they requested police involvement and they did not respond.

When you look at the turn away issue, that too is a problem across Alberta. In 2005, more than 6,600 women with more than 5,400 children were unable to be accommodated in shelter because they were full. ACWS continues to recommend that unfunded beds in communities with high turnaway numbers be funded, that outreach positions be increased, that shelters have the capacity to access emergency hotel accommodation tied to their outreach program.

CAROLYN, I understand that in most cases, a women’s shelter offers a maximum stay of 21 days. When you have a family like Sara’s come to a shelter with a lifetime of abuse, what can you do for this family in 21 days?

The most immediate and important offering to a woman and her children fleeing abuse is the reality of a safe and secure place to live, a place where their basic needs can be met in relative comfort and privacy for 21 days. Our first focus with women is on safety planning for themselves and their children. Once that is accomplished we support women addressing what they will do when they leave shelter. Critical to their thinking of course is whether they will return or will actually leave the relationship. It is not uncommon for women to leave several times before making the final decision to leave for good. WHY?

Women and their children coming into shelter are very often traumatized from the event that brought them to shelter. They may be very emotional or, in contrast, numb. They often need several days to settle in to shelter before they can consider making any decisions about their future. It is important to note that we do not rescue women and their families. We do not do the work for women accessing our service, and we do not make decisions or choices for them. We support women in making healthier choices, and they use the information and skills that we share with them to empower themselves.

During the 21 days we provide information, support and advocacy on issues such as housing, health issues, parenting concerns, employment, child care and education. We connect women to other resources appropriate for their situation, both within our organization and other agencies in the community.

Each woman's journey is unique and needs to be understood within her life context from a socio-political, cultural and personal historical perspective. 21 days in many instances is too short a time for women to effectively address the myriad of issues that challenge them in leaving an abusive relationship. Making a decision to leave is not an easy one. In fact, again, many women return to the abusing spouse with their children, even after seeking help through a crisis shelter or counselling. The YWCA of Calgary as a member of the Alberta Council of Women's Shelters shares the dream that eventually a woman's stay in shelter in Alberta will be based not on 21 calendar days but upon her unique needs.

TO JAN: Do shelters really work?

Not only do they work, they work hard. Shelters are very busy places that offer a continuum of family violence prevention, intervention and follow-up services.
known to make a difference – they save lives.
When you look at it —funders are getting a great bargain - but sadly shelters continue to be undervalued for the work they do or it is assumed by the general public that now that we have women’s shelters, the work in prevention is done. But, as we know from the stats, there is lots of work to be done in first and foremost providing a safe and supportive environment for women and their children, and also in terms of building a community collaborative response. While it is now a buzz word, shelters invented collaborative response, because it was how they knew they could get things done. I have been amazed at the competency of shelters and shelter workers.
Best practices
We also know that as a result of a women’s shelter stay they better understand the dynamics of abuse, know what resources are out there in the community, and are able to better keep them and their children safe.
Finally, I would like to read an except from our book, Standing Together,

I remember the first beating I received. I remember the last beating I received. I remember the first words ever spoken to me by a shelter worker. I remember the power those words gave me. I will always be grateful to that worker a long time ago. The women whose enduring patience and kindness help women leave the chaos and terror of abuse will always be my heroes. …. I have learned so much from all of you. - Cindy Toker

JAN, Alberta has the highest rate of domestic violence in Canada. This is a shocking statistic.Alberta is considered one of the most prosperous provinces. Why is it so high in Alberta?

Alberta is in fact the most dangerous province in which to be a woman. We lead the provinces in the number of women who report being stalked; who report being assaulted by their partners, and have one of the highest rates of murder suicide. We also have the highest rate of homicides related to domestic violence.
Possible reasons: interlocking issues that perennially do not get the attention of government

• Lack of women's equality


• Gender based pandemic recognized by the who


• Lack of support systems in alberta


• Low social assistance


• Difficult to acess legal aid


• High cost of housing)


• Boom times, transiency


• Lack of perpetrator accountability


• We don't talk about it - we are so very very good at hiding it.


• Need for action


• Recommendations to government


• Adequate Sustainable Funding For Shelters


• Second Stage Shelters - Significant Shortage: We Need Close To 700 Units In Alberta And There Are Currently 111 Apartments.

TO CAROLYN: It’s estimated that at least 1 million children have witnessed domestic violence in Canada. Carolyn what are these children seeing and how are they affected by what they see?

Nirmala, the facts are grim. As we know, 1 in 4 Canadian women are victims of domestic violence. Children are believed to be in the home during 68-80% of spousal assaults. Further, it is estimated that 3-5 children in every classroom witness violence in the home. This is epidemic. If that many children had the measles all our schools would be shut down.

• Children see and hear family violence in a number of ways including:


• Hearing hurtful words, belittling and insults toward one parent or exchanged between parents


• Hearing ominous tones of voice and seeing intimidating body language


• Seeing a parent being humiliated or degraded


• Seeing their parent being physically assaulted and the resultant signs of the violence such as bruises, property damage, the look of hopelessness and despair on a parent's face


• Feeling their parent's withdrawal

Children raised in homes where there is domestic violence are also at increased risk for being directly abused themselves. Recent studies have estimated that 70% of children who witness woman abuse are also physically abused. 77% of offenders sexually abusing the child and perpetrating adult violence at the same time.

Some of the symptoms children display include aggressive behavior, reduced social competencies, depression, fears, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and learning problems. Underlying these problems are the child's emotional responses to the violence, such as intense terror, fear of death, and fear of loss of a parent.

Witnessing domestic violence creates an unstable and hostile home life for children. While the severity of a child's response to the violence varies, many children learn to live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and view their own world as unpredictable, threatening, and hostile. Witnessing domestic violence can rob children of their childhood, a time so critical in the development of confident, healthy young adults.

SARA, you have two children who most certainly would have witnessed the violence in some way. How bad was it for them?

The children and I walked on egg shells around my household. We acted according to the mood that he was in. I remember reading stories to my kids at bedtime and we would talk about their day and snuggle. He would thunder down the hall and yell at us for all the laughter. He basically ignored our daughter and she had no voice. She rarely got to finish her sentences or a task when with her dad. This caused her to have low self esteem and anxiety. My son was hurt in an entirely different way. He swam competitively and my husband would use the time driving him to and fro to stop on a side street and interrogate him about me. He tried to convince him that his mother was crazy. He also showed much more physical violence towards my son, such as throwing objects when angry. He lectured him on being a man and using violence to solve problems with kids at school. All of these things were done without my knowledge and my son was too confused and frightened to tell me until we were at the shelter. Both my children went to the Adolescent Day Treatment Program for 6 months to deal with their anxiety issues. The YWCA Sheriff King Home provided them with one on one counseling.

JAN, how often are children coming into the shelter with their mothers?

The women’s shelter mandate’s top priority is women with children; so we actually see many children coming into shelter. In this last fiscal year, shelters opened their doors to more than 6,000 women and their 5,000 children. AT the same time they were unable to accommodate more than 6,000 women and 4800 children because they were full. Shelters, in Alberta are serving the equivalent population of a town the size of Brooks or Okotok and are unable to accommodate a similar number. When you look at the needs of children, however, shelter funding is significantly inadequate. We know that early intervention makes a different, we know that there needs to be specialized programming that is age, gender and culturally appropriate. Yet the current funding model only allows for 1 or possible 2 FTE’s. to cover children in shelter. When you consider that shelters are a temporary home and require support over a 24 hour shift, the time that is dedicated to providing important support services is significantly limited. It is a privilege to be sitting here at the YWCA who through their vision and leadership have been able to lead in the provision of services to children, and I am sure that Carolyn can elaborate on some of the best practices that the YWCA has been able to implement here in Calgary.

CAROLYN, are there programs specifically for children?

There are Nirmala. We have developed and have been offering specialized programs for children who have experienced or witnessed violence at the YWCA of Calgary since 1991. These include our programming for children while living in shelter with their mother and our group and individual counselling for children living in the community. It is best practice to also be involved with parents at the same time as children are in counselling, so we offer both group and individual parenting counselling. Children who live with violence in their home have unique emotional needs. Typically, children turn to their parents for protection in times of stress or fear.

Children who witness family violence may not have such emotional support as the perpetrating parent is unsafe and the battered parent may be emotionally unavailable because of her own trauma. This is why whenever possible we engage all family members in the healing process and specifically encourage parents to understand the impact that abuse has had on their children.

Our program outcomes confirm that this programming is making a difference in the lives of the children that we see. Evaluation results over a two year period between 2002-2004 confirmed that children who participated in the program had decreased trauma symptoms and increased knowledge of abuse and safety planning at program completion.

CAROLYN, Sara talked about her son showing signs of controlling behaviour. And he’s an adult now. What are the chances that children who have witnessed domestic violence in the home will grow up to be either abusive or get into an abusive relationship?

Children's responses to their experiences with family violence vary. Children may develop a range of adjustment problems and psychopathology, or may emerge from their experiences relatively unscathed. In fact some children are incredibly resilient. It is really important to acknowledge that there are also amazing parents, like Sara, who despite herself experiencing childhood sexual and physical abuse, and then as a parent living in a constant state of crisis and fear, are able despite all odds to provide support and encouragement at each stage of their child's development.

Research however, over the last 10-15 years does suggest that boys in particular, are three times more likely to become abusive adults having both witnessed and experienced abuse as children and women who were sexually abused as children, have a higher likelihood of experiencing intimate partner violence in adulthood. (Noll et al., 2003; DiLillo et al., 2001; Messman-Moore & Long, 2000; Cohen et al., 2000

SARA, did you and your children continue to get help after you left the shelter?

I continued to do the 3 stage phase program that the YWCA Sheriff King Home offers for women in abusive relationships. I did a sexual abuse group for 12 weeks through Calgary Family Services. My counselor at Sheriff King worked with me doing the EMDR therapy for a year and a half. I also saw a psychiatrist for 3 months who specialized helping people coming from severe abuse. I attended parenting classes through the YWCA while my daughter was in group therapy.

The YWCA put us together with a wonderful couple who offered us a house to live in rent free when we had to leave the shelter. They offered one-on-one counseling for both of my children. They helped me connect with the counselors at my children’s new schools and thus helped me get my kids into the adolescent day treatment program for their anxiety. They gave my son group counseling and he and I also did the non abusive futures group.

TO SARA: It’s been a number of years since you left your husband and went into the shelter. Where did you go and did you and the children continue to have contact with him?

• The YWCA connected us with a wonderful couple who gave us a house to live in rent free when we left the shelter. These wonderful people allowed my children to have a home in a lovely community. They were not forced to live in sub standard housing or inadequate housing. This was wonderful as the kids had one less traumatizing thing to deal with. This also gave us the space and time to heal as we were without finances other than $700.00 per month from Social Assistance. Living in this home gave us the time and space needed to do all of our healing.


• I did not speak to my husband at all from the day that I left. Everything has been dealt with by lawyers and the police. I was given sole custody of my children and he was given no access based on his behaviors.
• Detectives gave me the option of taking him to court for the abuse but I was already dealing with so many issues that I could not do it.


• We still have to live with alarm systems, although there has not been an attempted break in for a year.

CAROLYN, is this normal practice for the YWCA to find homes for women once they leave the shelter? What are the options for women?

I would say Nirmala, that affordable housing is today the single most critical variable impacting a woman successfully leaving an abusive relationship. It was really by accident 5 years ago that we at the YWCA were able to support Sara making the housing connection that has made such a difference in her family's life. A wonderful man in the community happened to call me at just the right moment saying that he had a house for a family and did we know of a family that might need such accommodation. We did and the rest is Sara and her children's successful story as they transitioned to a life free from violence.

Affordable housing in Calgary is virtually nonexistent. We have very few 2nd stage transitional safe housing apartments in Calgary compared with the estimated 2700 women and children accessing our three emergency shelters in Calgary every year, many of whom need the added security provided by a 2nd stage shelter. We at the YWCA do our utmost to support women finding housing and are constantly frustrated with our lack of success.

We are very grateful that over the last year two very generous families have stepped up and donated the use of three houses for women and children as they leave emergency shelter for up to one year in order to support them reestablishing their lives. Our plan is to look for and foster more community partnerships such as these ones and to look boldly to the future seeing the YWCA develop more affordable/transitional housing in our community.

JAN, how often are women returning to abusive partners because of lack of affordable housing, insufficient income, and low wages or SFI rates?

This is in fact a major issue. While about half of the women returned to the abusive partner, the major reasons for their return included

• hope for the relationship (64%),


• lack of affordable housing (33%),
  family (34%),


• lack of money (38%) and


• fear (26%) as compelling reasons for return

For those women who were returning to their partner (14%) after this most recent shelter stay:

• the majority expressing hope for the relationship (67%), or


• lack of affordable housing (29%),


• family (40%),


• lack of money (36%) or


• fear (12%) as compelling reasons for return

Again, when you look to a community, collaborative response, having the necessary supports in place makes a world of difference. Interesting, we also know from studies in the US, that the single most important intervention was adequate legal support, as then women had the resources to go on and live a safe life.

TO SARA: Where would you be today if it were not for the YWCA? You spoke about this before—that you might not be here—if you can elaborate on this a bit.

I had such severe trauma from a life time of abuse, I do not know where I would be without the YWCA. The counselors and staff at the Sheriff King Home were knowledgeable. It was the first place I felt safe to talk about the sexual abuse. There were no silly questions about why I stayed; just unconditional support to help me recover. Today I have a great life with peace that I would never have thought possible.

TO JAN & CAROLYN: What’s it going to take to eradicate domestic violence in our community?

JAN, I’ll start with you?

Name it: get it out of hiding. Whether or not you realize it, you know someone who has been a victim of family violence.
If you are an employer….
If you are a father of teen age daughter….
Learn what you can do about it:……

Community Collaborative response: The primary goals of a coordinated community response are victim safety, offender accountability, and changing the climate of tolerance toward violence in the community. “The reduction of domestic violence is an outcome of a coordinated, comprehensive system.

While the coordination can take many forms, “at the core of any such effort is a commitment of the participants to develop:

• A shared philosophical framework on violence against women;


• An understanding of each other’s roles; and


• A plan to improve the response of different institutions and agencies to violence against women”


• Education & awareness—at the school level—teaching boys and girls about what a healthy relationship is—what it looks like. This is the fourth R.


• Engage Men: For too long this has been viewed as a women’s issue, but men play an important role; they are the role models for our young women and young men – this is where it starts.


• And support women’s shelters. Your financial support is so important to getting the message out and to the provision of services. This is one area, where you can say that your support helps save lives.

CAROLYN?

1. Continued and expanded funding for women's shelters both emergency, transitional housing, and second stage and funding for counselling programs to address issues of all family members affected by violence. This includes those that have been abused, most often women and children, and those that have been abusive in relationships.

Research is now demonstrating that women's shelters, their associated outreach programs, intervention programs designed for children who witness/or experience family violence and programs for men who batter do work.

2. We must support partnerships between the community and academe in order to push us all to think in new ways about this critical issue, often outside of our disciplinary boundaries. Through action based research partnerships we must continue to listen to the voices of women, their partners and their children in order that the services that we develop are helpful to those they are designed to serve.

3. Addressing continuing systemic issues of poverty and homelessness, exacerbated by the failure of all levels of government to address issues of affordable housing, universal daycare and minimum wage issues across the country.

4. Establishing coordinated community responses involving all systems and community agencies that touch the lives of families living with family violence.

Violence is Unacceptable. All of our institutions must hold offenders accountable. This includes police, child welfare, health care providers, educators, justice officials, clergy, lawyers, media, and the general public. We need to treat our community partners and ourselves respectfully and compassionately.

SARA, what would you say to women out there going through what you’ve been through?

Talk to people. Talk to your doctor, call the Distress Centre Crisis Lines, call the crisis lines at the Women’s shelters talk to your friends Get information about your situation and find out where you can go to get support. Remember that relationships should not hurt emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually or physically. Most of all remember that no matter how bad your situation is and how inescapable it may seem there is a lot of help. We all deserve to be treated with respect. We can learn how to escape abuse.